04-08-2025
A prisoner serving life writes: ‘Why not help us instead of punishing us?'
I am 38 years of age and serving life imprisonment, but imprisonment is something I have experienced in one form or another since the age of seven. I have been witnessing, experiencing and involved in violence throughout my whole life, yet nobody has ever meaningfully engaged with me in relation to addressing the causes.
The Theatre of the Oppressed (TOTO) project was one of the first therapeutic opportunities I have ever been given. It provided me with a safe space to share some of the reasons I believe my life has evolved around violence.
My father was abused by the Christian Brothers in Dangan, County Offaly. I have always felt his regular violence towards me was his attempt to keep me out of such institutions and harm, rather than him being a bad person.
However, his actions have meant that, since childhood, it has been engrained in me that violence is normal. In fact, I have been rewarded many times for using it and I am acclimatised to experiencing it.
My father's methods, as crude and inhumane as they were, have been in some way repeated, in the sense that in most of the institutions I have resided in, I have been subjected to separation from my family, restricted agency, punishments, beatings, sexual assaults, psychological abuse and expulsion.
TOTO was not me using a platform to justify any violence; rather it was an opportunity to explain the reality of my own and other people's lives, realities that many of the experts who attended the show could never have comprehended, let alone survived.
For example, as a child, I was tied to a table and lashed with a belt, in school I was assaulted by a teacher, in prison, I was smashed in the face with a riot shield and my clothes removed with a Stanley blade. Now the new form of abuse, which is psychological rather than physical, involves the constant discourse that people like me are not suitable for progression.
To me, TOTO briefly gave the audience members the opportunity to comprehend how violence, which may seem abhorrent to them, is simply a normal part of my life. It provoked questions around how intergenerational cycles of violence and crime can be interrupted.
A boy, a teen, a man spends most of his life being punished, but the solution as it stands is more punishment, based on policies constructed by people who have never stayed one night in my community or even walked around it without an escort.
After TOTO
So, TOTO has ended for now. However, I would like to ask the experts who attended the show a question: WHAT HAVE YOUS DONE SINCE?
I'm not being condescending or sarcastic in asking this question; rather it comes from the fact that psychologists, addiction counsellors, governors, justice representatives, judges, probation officers and even gardaí were all in the same room at one time, but so far it appears none have suggested follow-up strategies or collaborations to support the initiative of [facilitators, Senator] Lynn [Ruane], Grace [Dyas] and Clare [O'Connor].
We showed you what our existence is like, we showed you what is wrong with the system. What – if anything – are you doing to fix it?
I guess the question I am really asking is: why not help us instead of punishing us? I have had a lifetime of punishment and you become conditioned to it.
It therefore serves no purpose other than the storage of people who, with the right supports, could contribute so much to society, particularly in relation to addressing the issues raised by TOTO such as crime, addiction and social withdrawal that many of today's youth seem to be falling into.
There are many prisoners with the desire and potential to do so much good. TOTO demonstrated it on a micro level, so imagine if people stopped worrying about political favour through zero-tolerance language and actually engaged in projects on a macro level that truly addressed individuals' needs.
I have had a lifetime of punishment and you become conditioned to it. Photo: Moya Nolan
Prisoners are the ones who have committed the crimes; how have the experts not realised that, surely, they could be part of the solution?
I won't ever forget the feelings of acceptance, empathy, compassion and interest shown to me by Lynn, Grace and Clare. I don't have the words to explain what you meant to me during that process. The only comparison I can make is of a deaf person hearing for the first time or to witness a mute speaking for the first time.
Maybe I'm just getting too old for this shit, but think about the seven-year-old today who is acting up, because if he inflicts half of the harm I have inflicted on my family, friends, enemies and society as a whole, then as [convicted drug dealer] Larry Dunne once said: "If you think I'm bad, wait till you see what's coming behind me."
Extract from What We're Made Of by Men in Mountjoy Prison, facilitated by Lynn Ruane and Grace Dyas, €20 from Books Upstairs
